photo credit: Mensjournal.com

Tell us Shaq, what on earth is “respectful cheating”?

In his new book, Shaq admits to cheating on his estranged wife Shaunie, throughout their marriage. He says that he “was respectful” in the way that he did it. Also, and more telling, Shaq partly blames an abundance of choice on his choice to cheat. Ladies are we buying this? Is there a way a man can cheat on us and it feels like we were respected? Is there a way a woman can cheat and say that she was respectful to her man? Let’s move on to more salient points.

Many people cheat – men and women. It would be great if people didn’t act like this is not entirely in the realm of possibility.  The real question is why and how, and Shaq at least attempts to give some answers for his own dirty deeds.

Marriage still exists in the 21st Century? Well strike me with a hot iron and tar me with feathers, there’s still hope for the little institution that could. Bar those very few marriages that have survived and each party gets what they want and need, marriage in its present incarnation is not designed to build up, but to break down. It is not designed to honour women – many studies have shown that women get less benefit from the union than do men.

You have to be a highly evolved individual to survive a marriage and say you get everything you want out of it. Most people compromise a lot and suffer in silence. They are the ones who will not truthfully admit to this – they want you to join their little neck of the woods.

Unfaithfulness means lies, and no one in their right mind wants to be lied to. So please understand who this man you’re dealing with is. Do you have the kind of relationship that makes it easy to be faithful, or is the man or woman you’re with given too much choice? Once you’re honest from the very beginning, about who you are and who you are with, you can work through ambitious expectations.  Crying a few years down the line because of a choice you consciously made can be the result of self- deception. You were not asleep when he took you flying, or hiking, or yachting or whatever it is you two got up to.  Or it is to be hoped you weren’t.

Let’s talk about choice vs choices. The choice to get married to a man or woman who has too many choices is not without its pitfalls. It may seem delightful at first – you got the prize! He’s a winner on court (Shaq) in the boardroom (Trump) in the bedroom (we don’t kiss and tell) so why wouldn’t a number of beautiful women want to be with him? Some of us like to think marriage will change a man. “I can tame him, I’ve got what it takes.” It is true what Chris Rock said: “A man will be a man. A man is only as faithful as his options. That’s how faithful a man is, no more, no less.” If we understand that, we might save some heartache. But no, what do we do? We gang up, neck roll and curse.

“I made my bed, I am sleeping in it.” This is one of the most honest statements any human can make about the state of their relationship, if it’s in the doldrums. And so is “I’m getting out. I know I can’t stay faithful.” Not all men cheat, but many do. Not all women are looking for the most physically dominant, ‘hunter’ type of male that athletes may represent for a particular segment of the population. It is basic human evolutionary theory. The males that seem the most capable – dangerous, protective, competitive, or smart with available resources – are the ones that will have the most choice among the choicest females. Do we have to take bio with Miz Khan all over again? The choice that one of these winning males makes, that of marrying a woman with some of the attributes of a winning female, and giving all his winning  genes to her only, may confound what is essentially a very simple formula.

Why get married? Why not just stay single? Marriage came along so that society could condone and regulate sex, and the issues thereof, including disease, population and economic growth. The lineage, genealogical traits and cultural gifts of groups of humans had to be stratified. People might agree that it is also an essential tool to keep women in line. However, I have absolutely no female friends who do not want to get married. Some say they don’t and don’t want to have kids either. But the damage is done. They still date, and have the same relationship issues as everyone else. Men on the other hand, tend to be freer. They don’t talk ad nauseam about when they will get married and have kids. Well, most that I’ve seen. There was that blind date exception – he was in a field of daisies over a college buddy who already had kids at age 30. That was one male biological clock that had the resonance of a Big Ben.

In closing, I see several things wrong with the man-woman dynamic as it is currently played out. I see that Shaq and them may want a “best female friend” (that  they can sleep with) but when the chips (or ultra short skirts) are down, they also want the honesty of being able to have many physical experiences. We women aren’t even being honest about how true this is for the unfairer sex. We aren’t really like that for the most part. We can be emotional cheaters (oh yes! You know who you are!), but we’re not so good at crossing that line unless something is fundamentally wrong with our primary relationship. Men all over might want to use all I have said as an excuse, but the question is why did y’all get married? So no, even when our polygamous president Zuma cheats on his wives, he does not do so ‘with respect.’